Praise The Sun

Praise The Sun

Out of my head....

I dont know what to say,

I wish these feelings would just go away.

Work is hard when you are there,

The way I feel just isn't fair.

I wonder what is wrong with me,

You and i used to be a possibility.

I sometimes wish that I was dead,

I just want you, the fuck out of my head.

It's probably just me, it's all in my mind,

I look at you and you seem to be fine. 

I wonder if you even hurt at all,

Seeing what we had crumble and fall.

Is it time to move on and find a new start?

Will you ever really know you broke my heart?

You tell people you think me a child.

Not going to lie that really hurt for a while.

I thought you saw me as something more,

When I heard you said that my heart hit the floor.

I am filled with much depression and sadness,

Thinking of you constantly feels like madness.

I am sure I am over thinking all of this,

It would be nice if we could talk about this.

To get much needed closure would put me at ease,

Can't I just stop feeling like this, please.

Emotions Coming Out!

Everything she does now makes me sick.
I wish she would have just sucked my...
Sorry don't mean to get all inappropriate.
I've got a lot of feelings tryin' to work through it.
I don't know what to say, I don't know what to do.
It all rushes back when I look at you.
I try and I try but it's always wrong.
Why you think that I wrote this song.
I wanna be done, I wanna move on.
The way I feel about you, there's always a light on.
Just more of the same on a different day.
It never seems to quite go my way.
I'm wasting away with the memory of you.
I need a new start, I need to be true.
To my feelings that I neglect and hurt.
Pushed around and drug through the dirt.
Gotta pick myself up and dust myself off.
Flip the breaker and turn that light off.
Remove the queen from the throne in my heart
Once she's gone I can finally restart.

Clearing my head, Like an attic full of nonsense

What's wrong with you? You seem different today. Is something bothering you? I have heard these questions from a number of people lately. I guess if I don't talk loud and obnoxiously people assume something is wrong with me. They aren't wrong, it's just despite the volume of things I share. Some things I just don't talk about. Feelings I have that I would love to express, I just can't. The way I feel is killing me inside, and I am not sure how to ease that pain. I am, I don't want to say falling for, but I am doing something for this girl. She confuses me more everyday, I think we are something and then something shows me we aren't. I have tried wrapping my head around it but I am just unable to. There are signs pointing to go for it, while others scream don't waste my time. I really like this girl, but I am realizing more every day that her and I will never be anything more than we are. Which makes the confusing parts, extremely frustrating. I want to talk to her about this, but I am not sure I am ready for the answer I know is coming. When I look at her I feel better, days are brighter, and things seem like they will be ok. I don't know how to fully describe it, one day we are close and the next we are far. I would love to just hold her and be happy but I just know deep down it won't ever happen. I have tried to move past it, I really have. I just don't know what to do with these feelings I have for her. Being around her has inspired me to write more, the feeling I have for her have been expressed a number of ways. I have written poems to try and understand and let out my feelings. I just don't know what to do.

Light has shown me the error of my ways...

Recently through a series of questions to myself, I have answered the one that bugged me last time, move or not. I decided it is probably best for me to stay put in my current situation. Let's be real the places I looked at were, to put it nicely, worn down. So in light of that I have decided to stay in my current place. The decision to do so, has opened my eyes to something I was completely blinded to, the filth. I could go into any number of excuses as to why I let my place look the way it does. But for the sake of honesty and the lack of enthusiasm to make up reasons, I will just say I was lazy.Now I did clean up a bunch as I lived there but never to the extent I am currently doing. I should probably give a little background on my place for the first few years I was there. When I first moved in I was doing the graveyard shift at my job and would sleep during the day time. So in keeping with the need to sleep I covered light sources with blankets and dark sheets to dry and darken in as much as possible. In doing so it made my place very dark in the day time, which at the time was ideal. Now I work mornings and sleep at night, it seems pointless to cover them anymore. So I took down the dark making items, and man oh man did it make a difference in my place. My place was bright and well lit without any lights on, a very stark change from what it was previously. Within this new brightness, I was presented with an alarming observation. How dusty and dirty my place was. I could sit here and blame it on my apartment being dark for so long, but that's crap. It was essentially the visual representation on my laziness. I was shocked, I assumed it was alright looking when I cleaned, but boy was I wrong. I initially had this mess brought to my attention by the parentals. I just wasn't able to see it until, I not unlike god (kidding) I said let there be light and light was had. I never saw how dirty my walls looked until the moment I took down all the stuff. I was appalled and embarrassed by how it looked, the fact that I ever let people come over and see it shocks me. I knew something had to be done, I did not want to live in an embarrassment inducing environment any longer, I deserved better and it's time I treated myself to better living conditions. I started with my walls, I honestly never knew walls could be so yuck. I tried what I was told soapy bleach water and that didn't seem to do it for me. However when I got a magic eraser, it all changed. The visual difference from where I had and had not clean was strikingly evident. So much so that I ran out and bought a ton more erasers. I put on some sweet tunes and started to go to town on my walls. Taking a step back every so often to see the progress of it. I was amazed at how much better it looked with just a bit of effort, seeing the contrast of clean and unclean parts was eye opening. I had white walls and now they were showing their I guess white. I wanted to clean in an order of some kind, but have been moving from spot to spot, doing this and that. My place is looking better, it is slow going though, but I am making progress and it is starting to make me think about myself differently.

I have noticed a change as I started to clean my place, I have seemingly decided to get rid of my childish trappings. Not really sure why this came about. I was organizing things and felt, well, off holding onto this stuffed red monkey. I have not matured (trust me), yet I found myself not wanting it around me anymore. I decided to donate it to some kids who might get some joy, perhaps the joy I had with them. I donated them as I think I would have felt wrong throwing them away. So hopefully the kids they go to have fun, as that's all I can ask for. I threw away a bunch of other things, you know, miscellaneous knick knacks and the like. I don't want to say it was freeing to get rid of these things, but it felt as though I was putting aside my past. Things that reminded me of times long gone, essentially holding me from moving forward and finding new things to hold dear. Sure I will keep some of them but I got rid of the stuffed animals (mostly monkeys) because let's face it what adult needs stuffed animals around. I need to mature with my decor, certain things will never go away like the video game stuff but I need to have my apartment reflect the person I am now. I may be a man child but I am still grown so here is hoping changing will help my place give off the appearance of someone more mature than I truly am.

House Hunting With The Red Fox

Welcome all to a new episode of the obviously popular show House Hunting with The Red Fox. What? Never heard of it you say? Well that is just crazy, we have been on OWN for at least one season. Sure we may not get super high ratings but we are a good core show. As you may imagine by the title the host me, The Red Fox, hunts for houses. It started when our studio got a letter saying our lease had expired, and we had two options, sign a new lease or move. We decided to go out and explore the variety of options that comes with that somewhat restricted freedom. I say restricted as if I cannot locate a new place by the end of the month and I dont sign the new lease my rent could and increase and that is not ideal for obvious reasons. So now that you have the premise for the show ingrained in your mind let's continue and talk about the hunt.

Our newest hunt was an uneventful one to say the least, I was unable to find anything that I thought man I need to sleep here for the next year or so. I looked online and in papers and it was all just blah, nothing was exciting. I tried to keep a base price range in rent so even if it is more than I currently pay I can afford it and be able to live comfortably. That aspect lead to some unfavorable prospects. Every place I was able to see pictures of was just rough. Old appliances, horrible cabinets, ugly carpet, and so on. Granted it's not like I am buying a house, I am looking for an apartment to rent. I still would like to find something nice that if I invite people over to, I don't have this fear that they are judging my place. It is the reason I rarely entertain in my current place. I never feel, no matter how clean it is, that it is ever clean enough. I have had girls over and that is an exhausting song and dance of making sure stuff is stupidly clean, because lets face it despite my outward exterior and sometimes personality, I am a gentleman at heart. Raised to be a certain way with guests, you know be a good host. I just always feel that I have people look at me differently if something isn't super clean when they visit. I still have yet to have my parents over to my place, since I moved, and that was years ago. The sad fact is the place isn't all that bad when it's clean, but my brain just says not good enough. So when I look at pictures of these places that look, far less desirable than where I currently reside, I just don't feel it.

Do I really need to move at all? I mean sure I would like a nicer place, but is that me or the place. I can spruce where I live now and give it a fresh look. Get some new drapes, maybe a nice rug, new blinds. It can be a quaint little place if care is shown to it. When I think about small changes I can make to improve my current standing, I am torn on leaving it.

Another factor that makes the hunt increasingly difficult is the cat. It seems everywhere I look all I see is Pets:No. I have said this elsewhere it drives me crazy that I can go to the same place and bring kids that can do much more than the super chill, cat that is both declawed and spayed. But to places that want me to pay money to live there, she is essentially Hitler to them. If I didn't have her to worry about this would be a non issue of course, but I love the damn thing so I am stuck in a way. A friend suggested I try and register her as an emotional support animal. Which while that sounded like an interesting idea, it required a therapists note to be valid as a fair housing act thing. I don't think I want to open the can of worms and crazy that might come from seeing a therapist.

So I sit here typing, torn on what to do. Should I stay or should I go? The question will loom over me until I make a decision. At this time I clearly don't have the answer, I wont let it bring me down though. Hell, if all else fails I still have my place so I will not have to worry about where I will sleep.

Not bad for your first episode of House Hunting with The Red Fox, stay tuned for future episodes and who knows maybe our second season will be like Interior Design with The Red Fox. Until then, happy hunting.

The Memory

I woke up today with a sense of clarity.
Illusions were shattered, right in front of me.
I was blindly ignorant to my folly.
Forced to put up the facade of being Jolly.

When inside I feel an odd pain.
Still the memory of her remains.
No matter how I examine it.
It's broken and I can not fix it.

I thought I had a chance, maybe a shot.
I finally realized that in truth, I had not.
I am unsure of what to do with these feelings.
Tuck them away and try to start healing?

The thought of her, I will always treasure.
Her smile alone, brought me joy, beyond measure.
Perhaps it's best to leave all this unspoken.
I'll just forge on ahead, and enter the unknown.