It's All Lead To This Moment.......Time To Enter The Unknown (Sort Of)

Anxious
Nervous
Eager
Excited
Trepidation
Fear
Uncertain
and the list goes on...........


So many words to describe what I am feeling at this moment inside I am incredibly happy and yet at the same time I have a nervousness in me that is becoming a little unsettling. I am officially done with all of my "class" work for my school and I am about to embark on my externship. The training wheels are about to come off and I have to rely on myself since the crutch of comfort is about to be tossed out the window. A good thing for the most part since I am an adult and can stand on my own, but knowing that if I messed up having the crutch of my teachers was nice. Now I have to put everything I have learned in my 15 months of education to use. I have to go to an office and be the best that I can be, the only problem is me. I have this odd disorder when I stress way too much about every little thing so much so that I have at times made myself sick. I have confidence in what I can bring to the table and from countless letters of recommendation I have received it's a wonder why I let myself twist my insides the way I do. I am partly freaking out because I have no idea where I am going, and our externship starts next Monday. that does not help my calm when I could be prepping and maybe visiting the place before I go in. Knowing is half of the battle right? well I almost feel like I'm at war with no Intel going into a scenario unprepared in a way. I am really excited to get this started and over with since once the externship is over I will be a college graduate. Think about that for a second, if you have read any of my past work here becoming a graduate is quite a jump from some of my transgressions of the past. I mean six weeks from now I will have an Associate of Occupation Studies in Allied Health Care degree. not a certificate but a degree, a piece of paper that signifies that all my hard work has been worth it. I have never really done much in my life to be really proud of to this point at least in my eyes, with this I have something that makes me better. I have had tremendous amount of support throughout the whole process from my friends (Allen, Jess, and Dave) and my awesome parents (Ben and Carol). It has been a bit of a battle but thanks to them I always felt appreciated and also got a sense of pride in not only what I was doing but also in myself. My parents more than anything have been there for me in ways that I cant even begin to think of a way to thank them, they have sacrificed to help me when they didn't have to. I know they are proud of me and how well I am doing I will find some way to repay them the kindness they have shown me somehow I mean I know graduating is a good way but is that enough? I am not fully sure I think they will say it is but I need to find a way to show how much what they did meant to me hmm have to think on that. I am aware that my ramblings have gone on for a bit now but there is so much rumbling around in my head it needs to be written or in this case typed so it is on record. Because dammit I am proud of my accomplishments working full time and maintaining a 4.0 GPA and countless awards is something I don't take lightly I worked hard for those now I just need to find an extern site to show off my enthusiasm and work ethic. With luck (I'm Irish after all I should have some right?) I will be a successful extern somewhere. Look out world I'm coming to rock you!


Like cat hair on a black shirt I'm gonna hang in there
Josh Out!

Change is knocking do I open the door?

Uh Oh two in the same week somethings got to be on the mind of Josh lets look and see what's rattling around in there now...............

Like Han solo frozen in carbonite I'm being held captive, somethings got a hold of me. I can't help but feel it deep down, a change is coming. It needs to happen, it's needed to happen for a long time now but I have put up a shield a defensive wall of sorts to it. What am I referring to? simply put I am tired of being alone. Granted I thoroughly enjoy my solitude from time to time, bit as I look around at people happy I have an empty feeling inside. For so long I have thought I didn't deserve to be happy as an almost karmic payment for my bad deeds from my past. I admit I have done some bad things in the past many of which I have come to accept and learned from but others even though a lesson is inherent in them I flash back to them when I think. I learned from them but the continue to haunt me like a ghost of stupid mistakes past on a horrible life story. I am worried I wont even know how to go about bringing someone back into my life. I miss the initial feeling of excitement and joy that comes from a new relationship I have recently seen this on the face of a close friend of mine and he is nervously happy. I need that again, I want to break the walls I have up that hold me back from putting myself out there but how? My brain wont pick up the figurative hammer and start smacking the wall. So I'll send an SOS through a telegraphic note expressed in shreds written in code, signed to a note 'Cause nobody should know What it's like to be alone, so I'll take back my soul. Even though I want to have that feeling again in the back of my mind the questions are still there putting the wall back up even stronger. I will find a way to destroy the wall that is hindering my happiness one way or another and once the wall is gone I will work on getting Josh happy again for the first time in a few years. Just have to make sure I don't fall into the same pitfalls that have hurt me in the past and not be afraid of something new I will step out of my comfort zone and experience life as I never have before since I as write this I am starting to believe I deserve it. I don't mean to sound like a downer but it has plagued me for a while now and writing it all down has been almost therapeutic. I just have to make sure I actually do something about it rather than wait for it to happen who knows maybe I will talk to that girl in class that looks at me from time to time a good start I think whats the worst she can say no I have heard that a good amount in my days one more can't hurt. so lets rock and roll cause when I'm gone I want to know I did everything I could to live like I wanted to.

Knock, Knock............Oh change! come on in, have a seat lets fix this.

(now imagine a conversation between me and change)

Like a Rocket on launch day it's time I blast off

Josh Out!!!

Like a lump in the throat but in the stomach?

Change a thing I have never been a fan of, yet it always seems to find me. I should be ecstatic right now I am almost done with school, in a few months I will be a graduate. For some reason I have this unsettling feeling deep inside me. It's almost like a fear of moving forward, I can't honestly explain it I'm happy but horrified at the same time. what if I forget everything I know, what if I come off as stupid even though I have achieved almost perfect marks in all of my classes. Let me give you an example of why this has come to me lately, we were in class one night just messing around and some how the topic got into medical terminology and I felt less than I ever have. Perhaps I should add some clarity so you understand why I am upset our first term we had terminology and I thought a good teacher. what did I know it was my first term and I was new and nervous. anyway after that term he was let go and when we were talking about the medical terms and breaking down words, the things they were talking about things were some that we as a class were never taught. It frustrates me because it seems in my school people don't get the same training or learning each term. With different teachers coming and going it's hard to get a grasp on anything. I don't like feeling this way I really don't, but what can I do even if I try and bone up on my studying is that enough? or will the lack of proper technique hurt me in the future? So many questions sit in my head it's hard to ask them all especially when I don't know if I want to know the answers to some of them. I just wish I could take this uncomfortable feeling that I feel away since like I said I should be happy but it's fading quickly what with a very hard test to become fully registered looming around the corner. I guess I'll just have to press on and hope that I retained something and wont look foolish. I know it may seem like idle venting but this pops in and out of my head and brings me to a place I really don't want to be.

One night and one more time I hope it all stays in my old brain.