Uh Oh two in the same week somethings got to be on the mind of Josh lets look and see what's rattling around in there now...............
Like Han solo frozen in carbonite I'm being held captive, somethings got a hold of me. I can't help but feel it deep down, a change is coming. It needs to happen, it's needed to happen for a long time now but I have put up a shield a defensive wall of sorts to it. What am I referring to? simply put I am tired of being alone. Granted I thoroughly enjoy my solitude from time to time, bit as I look around at people happy I have an empty feeling inside. For so long I have thought I didn't deserve to be happy as an almost karmic payment for my bad deeds from my past. I admit I have done some bad things in the past many of which I have come to accept and learned from but others even though a lesson is inherent in them I flash back to them when I think. I learned from them but the continue to haunt me like a ghost of stupid mistakes past on a horrible life story. I am worried I wont even know how to go about bringing someone back into my life. I miss the initial feeling of excitement and joy that comes from a new relationship I have recently seen this on the face of a close friend of mine and he is nervously happy. I need that again, I want to break the walls I have up that hold me back from putting myself out there but how? My brain wont pick up the figurative hammer and start smacking the wall. So I'll send an SOS through a telegraphic note expressed in shreds written in code, signed to a note 'Cause nobody should know What it's like to be alone, so I'll take back my soul. Even though I want to have that feeling again in the back of my mind the questions are still there putting the wall back up even stronger. I will find a way to destroy the wall that is hindering my happiness one way or another and once the wall is gone I will work on getting Josh happy again for the first time in a few years. Just have to make sure I don't fall into the same pitfalls that have hurt me in the past and not be afraid of something new I will step out of my comfort zone and experience life as I never have before since I as write this I am starting to believe I deserve it. I don't mean to sound like a downer but it has plagued me for a while now and writing it all down has been almost therapeutic. I just have to make sure I actually do something about it rather than wait for it to happen who knows maybe I will talk to that girl in class that looks at me from time to time a good start I think whats the worst she can say no I have heard that a good amount in my days one more can't hurt. so lets rock and roll cause when I'm gone I want to know I did everything I could to live like I wanted to.
Knock, Knock............Oh change! come on in, have a seat lets fix this.
(now imagine a conversation between me and change)
Like a Rocket on launch day it's time I blast off
Josh Out!!!
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