Today was a first, today was the first time I have ever broken down, really broken down. I just couldn't keep it in any longer. All the stress, the anger, the emotion I had bottled up exploded. I was shocked I knew I had been holding things in as I am known to do. For some reason the more I thought about everything that was going on and the unfairness, the more I felt things start to rise within me. Maybe it was from the absolute pure exhaustion that I am currently experiencing due to working 40 hours in two days. Whatever walls I had in place to prevent emotions from being seen was broken, I just screamed. I screamed so loud and aggressively I started to cry. Not just a simple tear here and there is was a full blown cry out. I couldn't stop it, it was coming and coming and I kept screaming. I screamed so much my throat actually hurts due to the trauma and force of the screams. I was forced to pull to the side of the interstate because I couldn't stop crying. I had officially broken down into tears over all of the stress I had been bottling up. I wish I could say it was cathartic and that I felt like a load had been lifted after I finally let it out. That turns out not to be the case, once I cleaned myself up and got back onto the road I felt worse. Now that my emotions were out there I was actually angrier than I was before I broke. After working so hard for so little recognition I don't know if I can deal with it anymore. I am no longer happy, it is very evident if you talk to me. I am a complete piece of depressing shit and that is not cool, I am supposed to be the lovable goofball. If we are to be brutally honest I haven't been happy in a long time. From the employees calling off of work, to all the extra hours I have to work due to people calling off, to the fact that instead of being thanked for all the extra stuff I have to put up with I will most likely get in trouble for all of the overtime I put in. But with my boss on vacation I don't know what to do anymore, the people that are supposed to be around to help me never seem to be. I have had to pull doubles, work stupid shifts back to back, sacrifice my days off, yesterday I worked from 7 AM to 7 AM and yes kids if you can't tell that is 24 hours. Why? Why in the hell would I do that? I honestly ponder that myself. But what else am I to do when the person who is supposed to do the morning calls off at 1 AM and the person who could relieve you and work it has an appointment of some kind as unable to help? I was already set to do a double because I had to as I was already working the evening shift on Friday and it was the last night of training for my new auditor which I had to hire since my other auditor decided to bail without notice forcing me to work another 16 hour day (that was fun btw), so on a day I was supposed to do yet another 16 hours I ended up with 24 or so. I could have had my breakfast guy take on additional stuff from what he already had to do, but how is that fair to him to add extra work on him, answer it isn't and no one beside me seems to care. I couldn't call in someone to do the desk as the only other night person was sick so it was just me. Add in tonight where the girl who was to do the evening was sick so on a night where I was just to do the audit since our auditor is out of town I am again doing double digit hours. I have heard people say well its overtime so it's good right? Wrong it isn't worth the inevitable headache I am going to have when I get yelled at for of all things working too hard.
Maybe I am just not cut out for management, I was a thousand times happier as a drone just coming into work doing my thing and leaving. My outlook on how management should be seems like it is my downfall. I am a pushover and it is going to stop. Now. There is no debate, no secondary option, no alternative. I am sick of being a lap dog always doing everything I can to help everyone with everything, bending over backwards to please everyone, that is over. I don't have time to be always here, exhausted and unhappy. It isn't fair to me to have to pull all these insane hours and for what?. My parents tell me constantly to look for alternatives where I would make more money and have to put up with less, I always hear I don't value myself enough and deserve more for all that I do. I don't know, if I ask for more money to do what I am now will I even get it? is it even worth it? I was told they wanted to give me a whopping .25 cent raise when they promoted me to assistant general manager. I was insulted when that number was dropped into my knowledge. Even the .75 I finally received seems low but I was happy with it. I do so much and ask for nothing, am I always to be the one punished for working hard? If suicide wouldn't affect my parents it would almost seem like an escape now. Anything to avoid breaking down in tears again. That should tell you all you need to know about that first.
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